When Does Waiting Become Wasting Time?

Dear Purple Mailbox,

I've been in a relationship for a little over five years. There's just one thing. He's still married.

Before anyone starts clutching their pearls, he and his wife have been separated for more than twenty-five years. They've both moved on with their lives, and from everything I know, there doesn't appear to be any interest in reconciling. I have never pressed him about the divorce because I didn't feel like it was my place. I figured if and when he was ready, he would handle it.

The problem is that I want a husband. I love this man, and I truly believe he loves me. We spend a lot of time together. His family knows me and loves me, and my family feels the same way about him. In so many ways, our relationship feels settled, comfortable, and right. Except for this.

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm being patient and respectful, or whether I'm avoiding a conversation that needs to happen. Am I wrong for wanting more after five years? Should I put some sort of timeline on this divorce, or should I continue waiting it out? At what point does patience become wasting your time?

Sincerely,

A Purple Pen Pal from Tennessee

💜 Dear Purple Pen Pal,

Twenty-five years is long enough for a child to be born, graduate from college, and start a career. That’s why my eyebrows went straight up to the ceiling when I read that this man is still legally married.

Five years is a significant amount of time to invest in someone. This doesn't sound like a casual relationship. Your families know each other. You spend meaningful time together. You love him, and from your description, it appears he loves you.

Which is exactly why this issue deserves attention. Twenty-five years is a very long separation. At some point, we have to be honest about our language. Someone who has been separated for twenty-five years isn't navigating a recent breakup or taking time to decide whether a marriage can be repaired.

That chapter appears to have ended a very long time ago. The paperwork simply hasn't caught up, but that matters. Because right now, he occupies an unusual space. He's not fully in his marriage, yet he's not fully free of it either.

Personally, I think he needs to hop to it. I say that not because I think divorce should be rushed or taken lightly. Marriage is serious business. But so is remaining legally tied to a relationship that ended decades ago while simultaneously building another long-term relationship. His current position doesn't seem to honor anyone particularly well. It doesn't honor his estranged wife, who deserves clarity and finality. It doesn't honor you, a woman who desires marriage and has invested five years of her life into this relationship. And quite frankly, it doesn't honor himself. People deserve to have their lives accurately reflect their realities.

Now, I also want to challenge you gently. You said you never brought up the divorce because you didn't feel it was your place.

Ma'am… You're five years in. Respectfully, it became your place quite some time ago. You aren't asking why he likes mushrooms on his pizza. You're asking about a legal marriage that directly impacts your future and your ability to become his wife, or someone else’s if he isn’t the one.

That is absolutely your business.

Healthy relationships require difficult conversations. And I think the question isn't: "Should I put a time limit on this divorce?" I think the better question is: "Have we had an honest conversation about our intentions, our timeline, and the reasons this marriage remains legally intact after twenty-five years?"

Because there may be information you don't have. Perhaps there are financial considerations, benefits involved, fear, or simply procrastination. Perhaps he never imagined someone would come into his life and desire marriage again. You don't know. And assumptions are poor substitutes for conversations.

I also want to say something that may be uncomfortable. Love and compatibility do not automatically place relationships on the same timeline. Two people can deeply love one another and still want different things. You want a husband. That desire isn't selfish, unreasonable, or superficial. It's simply honest. If marriage is important to you, then your responsibility is to communicate that clearly and directly. Then listen carefully. Not just to his words, but to his actions, because people don't merely communicate through promises. They communicate through movement.

If a man says he wants to marry you but remains indefinitely attached to a marriage that ended twenty-five years ago, it's fair to ask whether his circumstances and his intentions are telling the same story.

I don't know whether you're wasting your time. I do know that time is precious. And after five years together, both of you deserve enough honesty to determine whether you're waiting for a marriage… or waiting for permission to admit that you're waiting. 💜